Russia dangles freedom to prisoners if they fight in Ukraine. Many are taking the deadly gamble. – CNN, August 9, 2022

 

Putin sat at one end of the long table, wondering how to increase the number of martyrs; the numbers are proof of Russian patriotism and proof was needed. The US had been his role model. He insisted that his country is democratic and has shopping malls, unlike the USSR days when Russians used to form queues for bread and umbrellas. But that was because of CIA of the US that envied the fact that USSR had more nuclear weapons than the US. Even today, he has more and he keeps reminding the US of that fact. Even the withdrawal of USSR from Afghanistan was because of CIA and Gorbachev, the weak-kneed one. Gorbachev was afraid of being a dictator and afraid of dropping a nuke rather than withdraw. Maybe, Gorbachev’s role model was also the US that ran away from Saigon rather than nuke it. But Putin wants to be one up over the role model. The US and allies had almost 300,000 martyrs in Vietnam. He had only 20,000 in Ukraine and less than 100,000 even when the injured were added. His Chief of Staff for a decade, Valery, could not find a steady source of new martyrs. Putin called Konstantin Pikalov, his trusted head of the Wagner group who was just loitering outside the Kremlin. Pikalov had recently become the leader after his predecessor was loudly silenced, there being no silence louder than that of the graveyard. The Wagners were always feared. Ask Chechens who have become now more loyal to Russia than the Russians after the Wagners did some exercise in “re-education”. Now Chechens were proving their loyalty in fighting the Ukrainians.

Putin’s finger directed Pikalov to the far end of the famous 30-feet long table and asked, “Where can we find the toughest cookies to martyr in Ukraine?” Only Pikalov had the liberty to give an indirect answer to a direct question from Putin. “When McNamara was short of martyr material for Vietnam, he turned to morons”, he said. A frown appeared on Putin’s forehead. I must be growing old, he mumbled. How could he forget McNamara’s Morons and his Project 100,000. When Cassius Clay aka Muhammad Ali, the so-called king of the boxing ring, developed feet of clay and refused to go to Vietnam to be martyred, his huge fan following followed suit. President Johnson, who had a presidency windfall when Kennedy was martyred, was sitting at one end of the table and had asked McNamara the question that Putin was now asking. “Where can we find 100,000 Americans to be martyred in Vietnam?” McNamara had also given an indirect answer, “Our standards are too high.” Johnson had frowned and mumbled, “Why did I not think of that?” There were imbeciles crowding mental homes, there were overweight people. The war was now fought with technology and soldiers were incidental. Johnson gave a quick nod and Project 100,000 was launched. It was a resounding success and over the next five years 350,000 joined McNamara’s Morons.

Putin was worried that his strategy of re-recruiting former soldiers was producing comical situations. These oldies have grandchildren and are now more tuned to playing with toy guns. Most of them were already hard of hearing and the boom of real guns sounded even louder with their hearing aids. There were reports of soldiers taking off the devices before firing and losing them in the tumult when a Ukrainian shell landed nearby. Without it, when the commander said “fire”, the foggy heard “dire” and started running away from the firing line. Putin had asked Xi for more of these hearing devices and he did send a thousand but then refused to pay for a million barrels of oil taken from Russia saying each device cost 1000 barrels. The use of these veterans with a glorious past and a dim present was resulting in not even reduced price of oil flowing back to Russia.

As Director of the fearsome FSB, Putin had enjoyed reading Hamilton Gregory’s “McNamara’s Folly: The Use of Low-IQ Troops in the Vietnam War”. What a brilliant idea, Putting had exclaimed. Instead of wasting the social waste, they were given the glorified role of martyrs. The book included verified data that the Morons martyrdom rate was higher than that of “regular” soldiers. There was only one problem, he thought aloud with Pikalov listening attentively. Russia did not waste resources on mental institutions unlike the US where every citizen worth his salt has enjoyed the hour on the psychiatrist’s couch with the shrink being paid from insurance. Russians’ health is “taken care of” by the state and the state benevolently refers the mentally ill to centres for “re-education through labour”.  “Precisely,” said Pikalov. “The crowd of morons that the US had in mental institutions, we have in our prisons. Some of them have committed murders, some are paedophiles and some are rapists. We can leave out the dissidents; these disloyal troublemakers do not deserve the honour to be martyrs. Putin nodded, remembering Johnson once again and dismissed Pikalov with approval for his own “Project 100,000”.

Pikalov was now in his element; he had begun his career in 2013 with the Moran Security Group and now he will assemble the Morons. His people had earned the praise in Syria for murders, rapes and torture and so they would bond easily with the noble souls in the prisons with similar experience. Yet, his men were not experienced in recruiting people by asking verbal questions. It will not help in persuading prospective martyrs through electric batons and broom-handle rapes. Pikalov had to give them a manual of questions and allurements. Can you eat rations that expired ten years ago? How will you torture and kill civilians after you occupy an area? (No sweat. Pikalov had earlier given a manual for Bucha with excellent results). Did you kill with a gun? Your favourite sport? (Boxing or any other blood sport preferred). In Russia, the accused invariably confesses though the time taken for that wise step varies, the morons taking longer. The recruiters would look for torture marks for selecting Putin’s Morons. He thought of an additional inducement: recently a prison was bombarded and blamed on Ukraine. If you are going to be martyred, why do that holed up in a prison cell? Get lot of money and a chance to kill. Isn’t that more exciting?

At the last count, Pikalov already had a moron battalion ready. They have been assured that their salary will continue to go to their brave mothers, who brought up criminal sons and kept visiting them in prison. The bounty will keep reaching the mother till Putin decided to declare that the moron was dead and it may be a long time in coming. The patriotic mother has been assured of a citation and a tomb stone once the martyrdom is publicly recognised. Hopefully, with this American idea, Putin will improve upon America’s Vietnam record.

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