Dictators are kind at heart; they run their nations as huge correctional institutes. To err is human, to correct divine and that is why dictators give themselves a godly status. Democracies err when they fail to correct those who err; they treat them with kid gloves during arrest, giving them the right to silence! Imagine a criminal being given the right to silence during interrogation, said Putin. A criminal is after all a human being; he should have a right to scream when tortured and a right to confess to prevent further torture. Democracies house convicts in air-conditioned prisons, prepare menus for their daily food, give them libraries to corrupt their minds, some have even abolished death sentence! Is this a way to correct one who has erred. Putin, who as an ex-spy is well-read, knows that people in India used to kill themselves when they had sinned. They killed themselves slowly as one of their philosophers did by burying himself in a heap of rice husk the edges of which were set on fire that inched towards him over the course of hours, baking him slowly. The only baking the prisoners in democracies know is cookies and lasagna.

But we digress. We are here about the economic acumen of these caring dictators. Prisons are expensive to build and even more expensive to maintain. Criminals are generally big people; how can a puny man kill? They have big appetites and even Russian prison-gruel costs money. Putin had read reports that in 2021-22 California spent more than $100,000 on each prisoner. There are two million prisoners in the US; so $200 billion each year for the country, almost the entire defence budget of Xi. Where do they get that kind of money from? They did rob the Amerindians and they keep robbing the migrants that come from the South but neither the Amerindians, who drink up all their wealth, nor the Mexicans, who borrow and drink, had much in the pocket and forget about the bank. Maybe, their correctional system is the reason America is the most indebted nation and is living on borrowed time.

Putin, the correctional expert, reforms his prisoners by making them well-paid patriots, for the short duration of their glorious life. Wagner head Prigozhin helps with that noble task and pays even more to make the prisoners voluntarily enter what he calls “the meat grinder,” the Ukraine frontier. Xi piped in to quote Confucius, “Life is really simple, but we make it complicated.” Yes, said Putin, it is a journey and we always make machines to make the journey faster. My war machine is very efficient at that. Xi agreed but pointed out the beauty of diversity. My method makes my prisoners participate in common prosperity, not subtract from it. The emperors made families pay for upkeep of prisoners including the upkeep of the overweight prison officials. Mao made prisoners’ families pay for the bullet used for their execution before handing over the body. They were naive and insensitive. Prisoners’ bodies are too useful to be burnt or buried. Before execution by the surgeon’s knife, they all sign consent for using their organs for the good of the mankind and to charge mankind for the common prosperity of China. We even give a letter of thanks to the family if we return to them the organless body to be burnt or buried.

Putin praised West’s sanctions as it helped him become a better human being, one who helps his friends. He sold more oil to Xi, his friend without limits and to India, his friend with a few limits, and thus with liberal help from the US, strengthened his friendship with both. Xi nodded in agreement, what are friends for? Jack Ma was always my friend and I persuaded him to donate half his wealth to common prosperity after he voluntarily disappeared for a few months and I have repeated this surge of philanthropy in billionaires’ minds with great success for the nation and donors are happy to see their nation soar. Like the balloon, asked Putin. I hope not, said Xi. I want them to remain here so that when they again get rich, they can again disappear and come back and contribute happily to common prosperity. But still, some of them fly to the land of demon and are grabbed by the glitter of so called individual rights. Putin stopped him, let us not talk of that horrible thing when we are in a happy mood.

Putin thanked Xi for not supplying him with arms and ammunition. If you had, we would have become lazy, dependent, like that Zelensky. Now we have innovated. Soon, I will have street level units producing weapons and shells, somewhat like the units at Khyber Pass. I am told that they can make instant delivery of mortars, for tanks you have to wait a week. My factories take more than a month. I have invited some experts from there to set up the street units in Russia; they will supply me, Wagner and the mujahideen. Xi nodded, quite a win-win situation. But I cannot replicate that; I have one foot in Afghanistan and the other in Xinjiang. I have to wait till the Uyghurs become Han. Putin agreed, I had that problem in Chechnya but I made Kadyrov their leader. Now Chechen are big killers of Ukrainians, another win-win for me and Kadyrov. But before we close this meeting, Putin said, I want to share a new experiment. Because the meat grinder needs lot of new bodies, I have decided to send all Russian policemen to the border. They are good at shooting people and torturing them. Now, the convicts, instead of shedding their blood for the motherland on the border, will police our streets. Use a thief to catch a thief, don’t they say? Crime has fallen and the emaciated prisoner-policemen have become fatter giving me another win-win. Western seizures showed me that my friend oligarchs had more money and yachts than they told and shared with me. I have deployed prisoners’ police for the security of these friends; thieves will guard thieves and my share will be protected.

Friends without limits thanked each other for sharing all this economic wisdom and said dasvidaniya, till we meet again.

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