We are a nation in mourning, so deeply in mourning that we have cancelled funerals, hospital appointments, bike racks, condom machines, garage tannoys, till beeps at Morrison’s, football matches, television shows, the king’s inheritance tax, and every last thing the working class needs or enjoys as a “mark of respect”.

What we have not cancelled as a mark of respect is work, our soaring energy bills, or proclamations of our devotion to the royal family. And we have certainly wasted no time in getting the king crowned, handing him a portfolio of multi-million pound council houses called “palaces”, processing his £20 million Universal Credit claim, giving the Corgis to Andrew so we can pretend he’s all cuddly now, and arresting anyone who showed even the mildest dissent.

We could not have a period of quiet reflection before crowning a new king because the plebs might start realising what a fucking stupid idea it really is. And we couldn’t make Charles pay inheritance tax because he needs that money for his winter fuel bill and Prince Andrew’s potential victims.

Please understand it’s insensitive to make any political statements at this moment, apart from crowning a new king, which let’s be honest is a hugely political statement, like our biggest political statement for 69 years, or proclaiming your devotion to the new king, or whitewashing the crimes of the empire, or pretending the monarchy is apolitical, or calling black and brown people “racist” for highlighting the suffering of their people, or blaming Meghan Markle for literally everything while exonerating the nonce in the family.

Those kind of political statements are totally allowed, in fact, they are actively encouraged. That’s why you can’t order a Happy Meal without seeing the queen’s face on the McDonald’s kiosk now. Poor woman spent her entire life in extraordinary luxury and now she’s been condemned to burger flipping for eternity in the afterlife. Fate can be so cruel.

But let us remember the queen in the best possible light… what a woman.

Not only was she born to parents with magic blood which meant she got to own her country and her subjects, but she got to protect our democracy by doing absolutely nothing as democratic norms were systemically dismantled. She also got to star in a Paddington movie and she was fucking brilliant in it. So brilliant, in fact, the BBC had to clarify there was not actually a talking bear in the scene! She simply freestyled it and added in a magic bear afterwards through a process called CGI, whatever that means. I think this achievement, more than any other, is why people were out on the streets because I can’t think of a single other thing the queen ever did.

Just remember, if you can’t say anything nice about the person whose life of luxury you funded, don’t say anything at all.

You are more than welcome to make the grandest of pro-royal statements non-stop, but if you dare say something like “Charles is not my king”, you really can be arrested for that. Presumably, they are introducing emergency legislation so they can chop your head off for treason like in the good old days. This was a great royal tradition, just don’t mention what happened to Charles I, whatever you do.

And also do not be a black or brown person and suggest you are not in mourning because the imperialists will tell you to “go back to your own country” by which they mean one of the countries their ancestors colonised and looted.

Interestingly, the phrase “looting” comes from Hindustani and dates back to when the British East India Company was plundering the Indian sub-continent, turning it from one of the richest places (30% of world’s GDP) into one of the poorest (2% of world’s GDP) by the time we left. This was all in the name of the crown, but remember we brought them “civilisation” so we’re the good guys.

It would be totally unfair to mention the Mau Mau uprising, the concentration camps holding 1.5 million Kenyans, the brutality in The Yemen, the violent repression of those who wanted to leave the empire, the heads on stakes, the launch of apartheid, the being carried around by black and brown people, the speeches to whitewash all this nonsense, and the destruction of records of the crimes of empire because the queen had NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS.

So anyways, I’m rambling now.

The telly has been brilliant this week, hasn’t it?

TV channels have cancelled literally everything fun and overlooked huge news stories like the dramatic events in Ukraine so they can focus on important details like Elizabeth’s height and shoe size. This is because talking about her over and over again to the point you have literally nothing left to say is the most respectful thing you can possibly do.

Also, it’s very respectful to leave thousands of marmalade sandwiches out in tribute to a dead 96 year old you’ve never met so we can pretend they’re from a talking bear in a country where 8.8% of households are in food poverty and rising fast.

As you can see, this is a totally normal island and absolutely nothing like the countries that we so often mock.

For example, our media ridiculed North Korea for plastering Kim Jong Il’s face everywhere and reportedly banning laughter for 11 days. We would never go into a 12-day period of mandatory mourning where we tried to get people fired from their jobs for making a joke on Twitter, would we?

And then there are dodgy places like Russia where a woman was arrested simply for holding up a blank placard. Thankfully, when our police officer saw the same in Edinburgh, he just approached the person, interrogated them, took their details and said they would be arrested if they wrote anything on the placard. This is much more democratic.

All this fine behaviour is why we get to lecture other countries on democracy. It’s also why we are definitely keeping all the jewels and artefacts we stole from Africa, Asia, and the Caribbean. We think we’re so much better than other people because we’re British, but we also think we’re massively inferior to people with magic royal blood. This is why we’re mourning with all the sincerity of Dan Wootton arriving with his camera crew and personal assistant to lay some flowers in four takes.

Author & Source: Laura Kuenssberg Translator at BBCF News

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