Time magazine, December 21, 2022: “China’s Stunning U-Turn on Zero-COVID Takes Xi Jinping From Suffocating Control to Callous Inaction”

This is the Canned Newz NotWorth (CNN) with our special report on China.

China bears a festive look since the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) decided to abandon Zero-Covid in favour of the largest numbers. The grapevine says that the CCP cadres were disconcerted that their Supreme Leader’s name was tarnished by association with “Zero”. It was rumoured that his name may go into the history books as “Zero Xi”. That would be so counter-factual; Xi has always been about the “Biggest” – biggest navy, biggest army, biggest population he is trying to sustain with the new three-child policy, biggest loss-making high-speed Rail, biggest threat of smashing enemy heads on a wall of steel, biggest lies and whatever else is not biggest, he is honestly attempting. Hence, the CCP has released a list of guidelines to be strictly followed by all citizen slaves. The guidelines have the approval of Xi Jinping, the hollowed-out core of the Party and hence of the Constitution of China:

1. Zero-Covid is no more Xi Jinping’s “Thought” and hence it never was.
2. The current way to handle Covid is Xi’s new thought “Further Optimizing”. To question what it means is to question Xi and hence to question the Constitution.
3. All Chinese citizens of whatever age etc. are hereby directed not to get infected with Covid.
4. As conveyed through the Party mouthpiece Global Times, since nobody is infected, all must go to work.
5. To facilitate #4, all testing centres have been dismantled. Any symptoms are of pre-existing or colateral conditions and must be ignored.
6. Asymptomatic means normal as making presumptions is not wise.
7. Everybody is hereby directed not to develop severe symptoms from the pre-existing or colateral conditions.
8. Those who violate #7 shall be arrested and detained at health facilities.
9. Time of death is pre-ordained; all are hereby directed not to die of Covid. Morons may refer to #5 above.

The Chinesse had noisily celebrated their Dear Leader’s Zero-Covid during the current year of the tiger. They did not go to school, work, markets, places of entertainment or anywhere else; nor do tigers of the zoo as they get their food from the animal-keeper inside their cages, albeit in limited quantity. The white-PPE-attired dabai, the bleached version of Mao’s Red Guards, left food packets at the sealed entrance of the apartment blocks. The Chinese have been silent for a long time; but silence in the year of the tiger is an oxymoron. Throughout this year, the Chinese gave full vent to their vocal chords, surprised at their own capability to roar and shout slogans. They roared against the real estate companies that did not complete the projects and against banks that refused to return their money. They beat drums and dinner plates to give rythm to their noise and displayed their calligraphic skills on banners. Some even joked as did the banner protestor on the celebrated Sitong Bridge in Beijing. His calligraphy called Xi a traitor for a full 200 seconds before the show was wrapped up by the dabai, long enough to be clicked by a zillion phone cameras and spread around the world. But the joke did not go too far.

There is an ancient Indian story of a sage coming across a mouse trembling in fear of a cat. The kind sage gradually gave more and more strength to the mouse to counter the wild adversaries, culminating in the mouse being made a tiger. To the sage’s consternation, the ungrateful tiger threatened to kill the sage. “Punarmooshako bhava” – “Become a mouse again” cursed the sage. The metamorphosis was instant as the hitherto roaring tiger squealed as a mouse. As the year of the rabbit approached, the angry sage Xi cursed the Chinese to become voiceless rabbits. Chinese know rabbit-habit very well; after all they are so tasty and their skins make nice ladies bags even for ladies who are not so nice but rabbits are all so silent. A voiceless Chinese or a voiceless rabbit is certainly better than a noisy one and therefore there were none of the latter kind left after December 7 when Xi declared his “Covid optimizing” policy. The Chinese are moaning in their homes, work places and hospitals. They are dying in all these places but not of Covid and the dead are being cremated round-the-clock but who knows. When rabbits fall ill and die in their rabbit holes, there is no testing for Covid and though rabbits multiply, they cannot count to tell you the numbers.

The Chinese invented the abacus and their children use even the air abacus but for the present they are rabbits that cannot count and tell us the numbers of the diseased and the deceased because, as confirmed by the Britannica, in Communism people are cannon fodder and hence, do not count. The year coming next after the year of the rabbit will be that of the dragon. Dragons also cannot count but they do not have to. They spew fire and others die and others don’t count enough to be counted. Stay tuned in to your favourite Canned Newz NotWorth (CNN) to know who will count after the next twelve lunar months; whether it will be business as usual with the only voice in China being that of Xi Jinping or the Chinese people will become the billion-headed dragon spewing fire and turning CCP to ashes.

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