China Assails New Siberia Names – March 8, 1973
China strongly denounced the Soviet Union today for giving new Russian names to a number of towns in Far Eastern Siberia that previously bore names of Chinese origin.
New York Times, January 13, 2015
Why China will reclaim Siberia
In Siberia, six million Russians face over 90 million Chinese across the border. With intermarriage, trade and investment across that border, Siberians have realized that , for better or for worse, Beijing is a lot closer than Moscow.
A phone call between Putin and Xi has been leaked. This goes to show that there are individuals who are bigger hackers than the biggest hacker nations. Yet, some disagree. While Putin has berated Xi for leaking the audio of their conversation, there is no reaction from China. No mandarin has claimed that the line was hacked by the Americans or Indians. The naysayers are claiming that it was a deliberate leak by the CCP. For the moment, let’s focus on the conversation.
Putin: Hello, friend Xi, with whom my friendship is without limits.
Xi: Hello, Putin, how are you! I believe that Navalny has been sending his audio clips from inside the prison. How does that happen?
Putin: It does not happen. I make it happen. I want the Russians to know that even prisoners have rights in Russia. The hate mail that I get daily by the ton, says that only prisoners have rights in Russia. People are telling me that the army recruits from among the convicts are getting from the Wagner group twice the pay as compared to what I give to their non-criminal sons. Is there something wrong about it?
Xi: That is perfectly fine. Prisoners are special. One who commits a crime without detection is always superior to the riffraff that cannot jump a red light without their number plate being read. Chinese prisoners are extra special. They are patriotic and loyal and when our exports are dipping, we take their organs and transplant them in American bodies. The Americans do not seem to mind that we take these organs from the living bodies because that helps the fat Americans with their fat wallets live a little longer.
Putin: That seems to be a good idea. I will also improve prisoners’ rations and keep them healthier. When you have more customers, you can import some organs from me. These Russians and their Vodka means that there are few healthy livers but their hearts are strong.
Xi: I will keep that in mind. Lot of hearts may be needed if the US economy goes into a recession as is being predicted. Meanwhile, I will set up a company in Moscow that will buy these hearts from the company that you will set up in Moscow. Your people are slow and time is of essence in this trade. In China, decision taking and flying organs to hospitals is quick.
Putin: You are right there. You must have seen my last video where I was asking my minister to finish the work in one month while he kept telling me it will be done at the utmost speed and will be finished in three months. These are hangovers from Bolshevik days when the breakfast was finished by lunchtime and that in turn was finished by dinner time and in between they struggled to find Vodka time. We succeeded in the space race for a time because USSR had the policy that the designer of a spacecraft had also to go up in that spacecraft. I would have let my generals design the artillery and shells but I am afraid that they may pack the shells with their illegal dollar hoard and fire it straight to a Western Bank or a submarine may end up in an American port loaded with these lethal dollars.
Xi: You are telling me! China does not allow the entire family to travel together on foreign trips as they will never come back. We hold at least half the family as hostage to ensure they and their money return to China. I have a problem with bachelors whose parents are very old. When my agents tell them that if they don’t come back, their parents will face problems, they just smile and walk away. Corporal punishment by parents is so harsh here, they seem to be enjoying the prospect of the old ones getting it back. In PLA, we keep a list of officers inimical to each other and on every plane and ship we put these antagonists together. Why I am telling you all this! We got these tricks from you when you were in KGB and then head of FSB.
Putin: Thank you friend. I am always glad to be of help. Whenever you want, I will send some Chechen to beat some sense in your Uyghurs’ heads or some Siberians to do that in Tibet.
Xi: Thanks a lot. For the present, I am taking good care of Tibetans, Uyghurs, students, professors, those who are for Tang Ping, or Bai lan or any other subversives. But talking of Siberia, I can help you with the Crimean issue.
Putin: I have no issue in Crimea. I have already annexed it and made it an inalienable and integral part of Russia as I have done with four other regions.
Xi: Come on, Putin. Nobody accepts or recognises your annexation and Zelensky has retaken parts of those four. Now he is taking about taking back Crimea. Only I can prevent your losing it once again.
Putin: How will you prevent that? Will you give me some weapons more lethal than what the US is giving to Zelensky? That will be very welcome.
Xi: No, no. giving weapons is so old-fashioned. You will have to pay for them and your dollar hoard is heading south. I will give you Crimea in a barter.
Putin: I am all confused. Russia controls Crimea, not China. How will you give it to me. You do not have Crimea to give.
Xi: Now you are being naive. Did Russia own all those minority areas when your imperial rulers gifted them the good luck of being called Russians. Qing dynasty converted Uyghurs, Tibetans and Mongolians into Chinese when the Qings themselves were not Chinese. Pakistan has gifted us a part of Kashmir while not owning or even claiming to be owning Kashmir and shouting all the time for Kashmiri’s Azadi. I hope you know what it means, use of this word is an offence in China.
Putin: Do I know this word? I had to fight two wars in Chechnya to get rid of this word and I not too sure if it is gone. In 1991, we lost all our regions in Central Asia because of this word. In my neigbouring Russian territory of Belarus, I am propping up Poroshenko so that he can keep a lid on Azadi. The Mullahs in Iran, who gave me those beautiful drones, are drowning in the noise of this Azadi. Anyway, we shall all have to find a way to banish it from our languages as Germany did with the word Führer.
Xi: I have already handled this problem. We now say “Azadi” means “Freedom with Chinese Characteristics.” You should try it; it works. But coming back to my offer of Crimea for Siberia, please understand that if you lose Crimea, Russia goes south, if you know what it means. If I get Siberia, I go north and I know what it means. There was never a better win-win situation.
Putin: Thanks. If you give me Crimea, I can count on your support and support of all the little countries that are under your debt, to line up behind Russia and legitimise our occupation. You already own Siberia with so many Chinese already settled there. So I do not have to do anything but keep quiet as you declare some of them as local officials. Do I understand correctly?
Xi: Bravo Putin! How can we two “friends without limits” not understand each other!
DISCLAIMER: The author is solely responsible for the views expressed in this article. The author carries the responsibility for citing and/or licensing of images utilized within the text.