(Putin and Xi were guests of the Mullah at the Caspian reosrt of Ramsar, the three of them suffering from similar nightmares due to a spell cast by the American witches. They were angry with the US and even with each other, resulting in a friendly banter that was monitored and leaked by the wicked US intelligence.)
Putin to the Mullah: I was having a great time with the US. Even after I took back Crimea which Khrushchev, the Russian-who-turned-Ukrainian, had so foolishly gifted it to Ukraine, I was having a good time. Trump was nice to me and had described me as “smart” and even CNN has a collection, “15 Times Donald Trump Praised Authoritarian Rulers” that begins and ends with me and you don’t figure in it at all. My relations with the US soured because you have been provoking them in the Hormuz Strait, kidnapping their people and taking container loads of cash. That is low-down for any dictator who should have so much cash that he does not need ransom money; dictators draw blood, not cash. The US has been drawing Iranian blood, killing your generals and hitting your nuclear facilities. Shame on you; are you the dictator or they are? You are a merchant who has been trying to benefit from those who have stopped buying oil from me. Maybe you have Jewish blood who have Phoenician blood who were the despised traders and pirates. Thanks, but we should have said no thanks for your low-tech drones! Rather than spill any Ukrainian blood, these are more prone to fall peacefully in their territory, confirming their propaganda that I am playing at war with toys.
Mullah to Putin: You are an honoured guest on the sacred Persian soil and you are are safe on that account and not because you carry a diplomatic passport. You know what my predecessor Ayatollah Khomeini did with the American embassy in Tehran and its diplomatic passports. They were forced to remain as our guests, though not “honoured”, for 444 days. You are the one who nixed the bridges I was building with Biden and he had almost agreed to let me legally enrich uranium to weapon-grade by reviving the nuclear deal in exchange for my promise to enrich his son Hunter with other deals. Both Biden and I are experts in the art of the deal as are our nations. But Allah brought you in as the Shaitan; your special military operation ensured that the Shaitan America will not deal with you or your friends and unfortunately for Iran, we were listed among them. I helped you kill the Sunnis in Syria but you did not give me any credit for their massacre, even though I am the self-declared leader of the world’s Shias. As for oil, you keep selling it to the Europeans and even to the Kafirs in India, much cheaper than my oil and you have the gumption to call me a merchant! Even if we are, we are clean merchants unlike Russians who never take a bath except when it is frozen outside and they jump into a hole in the ice. You say you were friends with Americans! Is that why your people petitioned to get Alaska back from the US? You already have so much oil; if you get Alaska, the oil market will crash. That will be harakiri for you but our blood too will be on your hands. Persian culture is known in the world for politeness and hospitality. Else, we could have done to you what you did so unsuccessfully with Navalny; you had shared with us a cupful of your Novichok to kill the Israelis and put the blame on that Sunni Erdogan. So do not say or do anything further that may make our cup spill.
Putin to Xi: We are “friends without limit” and I bought your surveillance cameras in good faith and particularly because nobody else makes them anymore. When your police records of one billion Chinese were leaked in July this year, my agents in your police force told me that it contained recordings from the streets of Russia from Vlodivostok to Moscow, I thought it would be the result of some mistake. Then we sent some of these cameras to our experts who operate the hacking operations from the Dark Web and they said that data transmission to Beijing was integrated in the integrated circuits in these cameras. Is this “friendship without limit?” When Crimea decided to rejoin Mother Russia, the response of the US and the EU was tepid. Now when I tried to rejoin Luhansk, Donetsk, Kherson and Zaporizhzhia (I will bet Moscow that you and the rest of the Chinese cannot pronounce that), their response was red hot, thanks to your actions in the South China Sea, your undiplomatic reaction to the very diplomatic Taiwan visit of Pelosi, your penchant for harvesting organs from living Falun Gong members (The West hates this the most though I find it Ok), your abstaining from anti-Russia resolution leaving us to Veto it alone and your gift of the virus to the world. I did not mind that but you gifted it to Russia too. You have a huge population to experriment on but I have barely one tenth of yours and out of that the virus took away a million. But for you, I could have martyred those million in Ukraine gloriously . You bargained hard for my surplus oil, because bargaining is a national trait in China, robbing me of billions when I could have bought weapons from North Korea with those billions. By giving me less money, you deprived Kim of it and you claim to be friends with Kim! Indians already know it from their 1962 experience but now the world will know that when you say bhai-bhai to any country, it is bye-bye to trust and friendship. I grew up in USSR and how I wish that when your Communist Party was created with Soviet help way back in 1921, they had indoctrinated the Chinese properly about how to treat a brother Russian who is a Communist except in name.
Xi to Putin: You turned to me when you were in anguish about your nightmare and now you turn against me! Let me remind you of some home truths before you head to your Arctic home. You have yourself mentioned that the Chinese are ten times more numerous than the Russians. What you forget is that there was no Russia when Ukraine was already there; they should claim Russia as part of Ukraine. Your language, your culture, your Church, these were all born in Ukraine 1000 years ago, which is like yesterday to us Chinese. Your economy too is one tenth of mine and I am surprised that an upstart bear berates the ancient dragon. Remember what our emperor Qianlong had told George III in 1793, “our Celestial Empire possesses all things in prolific abundance and lacks no products within its borders.” We bought your oil to help you when you were in dire straits about what to do with it. You call me an untrustworthy friend when your country, a brother Communist Country at that time, sided with Vietnam during our war with them, helping them rub our already flat noses in the dust. You bailed out India in the security Council every time our very dependable friend (dependent on us) Pakistan tried to nail it. Sunni Pakistan is such a trustworthy friend that they did not utter a word about our actions with Sunni Uyghurs and told the naysayers in the world that we are doing all this to save the world from Sunni terrorism, which is what Al Qaeda, Muslim Brotherhood and Hamas are all about. They did not object to your actions with Sunni Chechens for the same reason but all they got in return was your veto against their resolutions. I would have said more but the mores of the ancient Chinese civilization and culture restrain me.
The mail from Xi to the Mullah, both claiming to represent the ancient cultures, and the latter’s reply were full of profanities unfit to print. Xi accused the Mullah of making Israel an enemy of this trio when Xi was trying to befriend it to install Chinese surveillance cameras all over Israel, to get Israeli predator drones and to learn how to grow abundandant crops from the sands of Xinjiang as Israel has got from the sands of Nagev that is now teeming with fish farms, olive groves and juicy fruit plantations. But for the negativity created by Iran by constantly threatening to send Israel to hell and oblivion, China could have used the abundant slave labour in Xinjiang to feed the world. Xi almost called the Shia Mullah a fool for fostering enemity with Israel when that country was the only one keeping the Sunni terrorists in Palestine in check.
The Mullah told Xi to shut up rather than spread such falsehood. Is Xi not the one in bed with Sunni Pakistan that is committing untold atrocities on the Shias in Sind and in Baluchistan? Has China ever shown support for Iran’s claim over the entire Baluchistan, a claim with stronger historical roots than the Nine-dash Line in the South China Sea that was created as if only yesterday? He reminded Xi of the vast Persian Empire of the past that he will re-establish in future, with or without China’s help. Finally, he warned Xi that as Xi has not been the guest he was expected to be, he may withhold the expensive Persian rug that he planned to gift to Xi the next day.
After this exchange, both Putin and Xi flew to the safety of their capitals shortly after midnight. All three of them had good sleep during whatever remained of the night. The spell, that was designed to work on the unified group, dissipated as the three hammered each other. Next day, they issued a joint communique duly vetted by their diplomats. It announced the success of the summit at Ramsar that has led to the formation of this new Golden Triangle and how the three will cooperate in the spirit of friendship without limit to destroy America.
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